Kiss Vs. Tell

I’ve read through many blogs written by gay couples going through surrogacy. Many, many blogs. So many in fact that when I first discovered them it became a bit of a problem for me. I found myself sneaking behind the dumpsters at work with my smart phone just to get a fix. My fingers, callused from the touch screen, would tremble as my archaic 1G phone would slowly load the pages of blogger. (Is 1G a thing? I know 4G is supposed to be fast…so I can only assume 1G is slow.) It was almost worse than the great Facebook addiction of ’08.  Fortunately, I got help. Well, I suppose I didn’t get help so much as I simply got caught up with all of the blogs out there that were of interest to me. But hey, let’s not pick apart the details.

In any case, after I realized I hadn’t showered in a few days and I had lost five pounds because I couldn’t stop to eat, I also realized that in many of the blogs the IPs would mention getting asked one question that really offended them: “Who is going to be/who is the biological father?”  Of course, there were variations of this question. “Who’s going to be the real dad?”, “Whose material did you use?” or “Who the baby daddy?” But regardless of how it was asked, it seems the reaction was always the same: The IPs would be slightly insulted. Some would reportedly respond with a curt, “We’re not saying” Others would reply “We’re both Abcd’s father” While others would simply say, “Nunya…. None ya business!” Ok, maybe no one actually said that; but they should have! It’s really an underused comeback. But regardless of their actual response, it seemed they all had an underlying suspicion that these family members, friends, or even unassuming strangers adoring their child on the street were somehow trying to disrespect them. While they certainly have every right to feel the way they do, I can’t say I understand that feeling myself.

Is it an inappropriate question? Maybe. I suppose that’s debatable. But I don’t think people intend for it to be inappropriate or offensive. It comes down to one simple thing. Ignorance. No, not the hateful “My sister-cousin-wife says that gays are evil” type of ignorance. But the “surrogacy is a relatively new phenomenon and most people haven’t met a gay couple who have had or are having a child through surrogacy” type of ignorance. The people who ask this question aren’t sitting at home thinking, “If I one day happen to meet a gay couple expanding their family through surrogacy, what can I ask that will really get their goat?”  They’re engaging you and/or your adorable child, and when they learn that you’re preparing for a child through surrogacy, or that your child was born through surrogacy, they find themselves unprepared and so the awkwardness ensues. As for family and friends; there is probably an intimacy there that leads them to believe they’re privy to this bit of information. Either that, or they just like to watch you squirm when you feel awkward. With my friends, either is a real possibility.  

In any case, I am happy to tell you all that the genetic father or our child is going to be Nunya…none ya business. (See, you didn’t see that coming, did you?) No, in all seriousness, even if we wanted to keep it a secret, I don’t think that’s feasible.

This is a picture of my husband's hand (Well, not actually his, but you get the idea):

This is a picture of my hand (Actually, this hand is a little darker than mine...):

Needless to say, the genetic father of the child will most likely be evident at a glance. Frankie has a beautiful mocha brown skin tone...and me...well, not so much. Also, even if that wasn't a factor, we decided early on that we would be as open and honest about this experience as possible, both with our friends and with any children we are fortunate enough to have, and for us that includes this detail. So, I’m pleased to tell you our first attempt will be with Frankie’s material; and I couldn’t be happier. We ran into the problem of both of us wanting the other to be the bio dad. So, we left it up to a simple coin flip. Heads I win, tails he loses. Well, that and we looked at it practically and realized that to ensure the baby could get on his health insurance right away and to ensure he would qualify for FMLA, it would be easiest if the child was genetically related to him. We’re hopeful that our egg donor will produce enough eggs so that half can be fertilized with his material and the other half with mine. If that’s the case and we’re successful this time around, we’ll consider trying again with frozen embryos fertilized with my genetic material at a later time. But in the end, it really doesn't matter. If we're lucky enough to have a baby with his genetic material, that child will be just as much mine as his. If someone asks, "Who's the real dad?" I will happily respond by saying "We're both real dads, but the baby is genetically related to my husband." Maybe that's one of the perks of being shunned by family. You learn that unconditional love is not defined by genetics but instead by the family love creates. 

Just a couple notes:

This post was certainly not meant to offend anyone who has decided not to disclose the genetic father of their baby. That's one of the beautiful things about surrogacy. The journey is generally the same, and yet also so unique and different for each IP. There really is no right path, just the path that's right for your family. :o) 

I realized that I hadn’t actually mentioned which agency we’re using for this ride. After a lot of research we went with New Life Thailand. That said, I’ll be sure to write something up regarding how we ended up picking them.

Also…you might have been thinking that “Abcd” was just a place marker for an actual name in the example above. If you were, you were sadly wrong. It’s apparently a real name (or at least a name someone was given) pronounced “Ah-bee-suh-dee”. You know, sort of like Obesity, only starting with an A. I think it’s safe to say the list of baby names just got longer….