Our Fault Vs. Her Fault

So, here in Thailand there is an expression: ความวัวยังไม่หาย ความควายเข้ามาแทรก. (kwaam wua yang mâi hăai kwaam kwaai kâo maa sâek )

In English it means: We’re not done with the cows, and here come the water buffalo…

It has absolutely nothing to do with this post, but it’s kind of awesome. I think it’s the equivalent to “when it rains, it pours”, only it involves water buffalo which makes it infinitely better.  And since it’s currently raining cats and dogs (or cows and water buffalo?) perhaps it is pertinent after all.

In any case, “Frankie” and I are indeed in Thailand, and things are going really well. I've been to Thailand several times before, but this has been a very special trip for several reasons. I suppose I should give everyone a little back story first.

Picture it: California. 1998. An American family hosts a Thai exchange student. The American family consists of a mother, father, sister, and a dorky son. The Thai student was named Toop and quickly became a member of their family. And yes, I was that dorky kid.

After high school, I went to meet and live with his family, and found that they were all as kind as Toop and generally just awesome people. So now when I talk about Thailand, I often refer to my Thai family, as I love everyone here as I would if they were connected by blood. I will say that at first I was apprehensive about telling them I was gay, but the response I got from my Thai brother quickly assured me I had nothing to worry about:  “Justin, you are our family and we will love who you love.” So, this trip was special in that they were finally able to meet the person I love. Frankie and I are staying at their place in Bangkok, and while it’s a bit outside of the city center, the hospitality can’t be beat.

They've also been incredibly supportive of our decision to undergo surrogacy here in Thailand. You see, there are few Buddhists in Thailand…actually around 64 million or 95% of the country.  In Thai Buddhism, there is a belief that people should ทำบุญ (tam bun) or "make merit" in order to bring honor to their family and better their lives. There are many ways to make merit: you can give food to monks, give money or time to monasteries or temples, donate books or supplies to school children, etc.  But you can also give part of yourself in order to give life to others. This can be done through blood donation, organ donation, and yes, even egg donation and carrying a child for someone. So as my Thai family confirmed, donating eggs and being a surrogate mother is a great way to make merit.

Of course, that was the other thing that has made this trip so special; we officially started our surrogacy journey. We had two meetings with our agency this week: one to meet the agency coordinators and then leave our “samples”, and one to meet our egg donor. The first meeting went well, aside from the fact that we were about an hour and a half late. If you've ever been in Bangkok traffic when it goes from bad to worse, you’ll understand why that happened (the expressways can be better described as parking lots); but still, we’ll call that one our fault. But it all worked out in the end as the samples were left at the clinic and the results came back indicating that they are healthy and good to be frozen. In general, we found ourselves happy with the condition of the clinic. We are using New Life Thailand, and the clinical work is done at All IVF center. The facilities at All IVF were clean and the staff was very professional. All in all, they made having to masturbate into a cup in a public location as comfortable as possible. (Of course, there is something about Thai culture that is very service oriented. This can prove to be slightly awkward when the kind nurse walks you into the room, turns on the tv, switches to "naughty girls wrestling", hands you the remote and tells you to enjoy and to remember to lock the door...all with a smile and a polite ไหว้  (wâi) or head bow, as she thanks you and takes her leave....)  

The next day, we were scheduled to meet our egg donor at 11 am. Apparently when she agreed to meet us at that time, she forgot that she had finals this week at her university. So, she was running about two hours late. We’ll call that one her fault. But in some ways, it was strangely perfect. The agency profusely apologized on her behalf and asked us to come in later, and really all we could do was laugh given our tardiness the previous day. But when we finally met her, it was well worth the wait. Thailand is known as “the land of smiles”, and people like her help to cement that title. She had a beautiful smile, great taste in music, described herself as ambitious and strong, made good grades in school and said that she was donating eggs in order to make merit. She also donates blood on a regular basis. I can understand Thai decently and speak enough to get by, but fortunately Na who works for New Life also translates beautifully. We asked the donor many things, but there was one question in particular we were really eager to ask: If we are fortunate enough to have children through this arrangement, would she be willing to meet them one day and give them a sense of where they came from. In response, she paused, smiled, and said “Once I give this part of myself, it is gone, and I would never try to have the children for myself. But if they ever want to talk to me, I would be happy to meet them.” We couldn't have been happier with her answer.

However, I think one thing is clear. If we are fortunate enough to have children with our sperm and her eggs, we probably don't have to worry about the baby arriving early. But you know what they say: ฆ่าควายอย่าเสียดายพริก (kâa kwaai yàa sĭa daai prík); While killing a water buffalo, don't feel sorry about wasting a chili pepper.  (I think that one is "don't sweat the small stuff", but you might be on your own...) 

PS....there are also bonus points awarded to anyone who got the Golden Girls reference. Thank you for being a friend indeed.