The American philosopher and author Joseph Campbell once
said:
“Find a place inside where there’s joy, and the joy will burn out the
pain.”
Frankie and I are currently seeking out the joy in our
lives.
This past weekend we got an email from New Life letting us
know that although the fetal sac was visible, there was no visible fetus, and
thus no detectible heartbeat. They have taken the surrogate off of medication,
and expect that the lining and sac will be discharged. (I have many thoughts on this that will come in
a later post. Our poor surrogate… L
)
It was a tough email to receive, but as you may guess
after my last post, in a way it was a relief. At least now we know.
Naturally, we’re very saddened by this news. But it’s not
end game for us. Not by a long shot. While I totally understand why some
celebrate the beta tests and the early pregnancy indicators, we never fully
celebrated those moments. We found great joy in them, but we didn’t celebrate. Each IP has to view this process through their own lens, and we knew that through our medical lenses, the pregnancy wasn’t viable to us until we had
a heartbeat. While I know that some people don’t agree or understand why we
didn’t enjoy the emotions more, we restrained our emotions for this very reason.
Our hearts were protected…to some extent at least. There were still some tears….and
some cherry pie from Thanksgiving that disappeared a little too quickly…but
overall we’re doing ok. It’s a process that won’t happen overnight, but we know
we’ll be alright, and we’ll come through stronger.
Fortunately, there is no lack of joy in our lives, so the
residual pain doesn’t stand a chance. Before we got married, we talked a lot
about our future together. We both knew that we wanted children, but we also
both knew that we wanted to be in a relationship that didn’t need children to be
complete. We’re already complete and although we both want kids more than
anything in this world, we don’t need anything more to fill our lives together.
Any children we have would just be the icing on an already wonderful cake. The
joy we bring each other is enough to burn out any pain we’re faced with in our
lives, and it gives us the confidence to know that any children we are fortunate
enough to have will only add to the love we have in our house; not be born to
fill a gap in our lives. And that feels wonderful. It means we can be patient.
It means we can be happy that we got so far the first time. And it means we
have the strength to try again.
Joseph Campbell also once said:
“Follow your bliss, and the
universe will open doors where there were only walls.”
That said, we’re ready to knock down some walls….
We're the same - children just add to what we already have. I'm fortunate enough just to be alive! I'm sure you already have plans b, c and d at the ready so continue to enjoy each other until you decide it's time to progress any of them. Big hug xx.
ReplyDeleteAlthough sometimes it's hard, it helps so much during bad times to concentrate on all the good in life. All the way down to the basics like you pointed out...just be happy to be alive. :0) While it's harder to think that way sometimes and not just let the bad overtake your life, it's well worth the effort.
DeleteThanks for the encouragement. I know one day we'll be in the same boat as you and your family. Your thoughtfulness is greatly appreciated and it goes into that "why life is good" category. :0)
Sorry about your news. Man, that first attempt can be so loaded with emotion and expectation. Best of luck next time, guys!
ReplyDeleteThanks guys. We feel very fortunate to have wonderful people, both in our daily lives and our blog lives, that are wonderful and supportive. :0) We'll certainly keep updating as we venture onward.
DeleteVery sad news. But glad to hear you are able to balance out the sorrow remembering everything you have to be happy for. Now get back on the horse as soon as you feel ready!
ReplyDeleteIt's certainly not the ending we were hoping for, but I guess it simply wasn't the right time. But, we know our time will come. It has to....we're too stubborn to quit.
DeleteThanks for the support. It's really very appreciated, and means a lot right now. :0)
Justin and F, I am really sorry to hear the news. But you both sound like you have a very balanced perspective. I understand your point about reining in one's emotions-- we are holding off on being ecstatic until there's a heartbeat heard. It's a good point you bring up for future IPs to keep in mind. Big hugs to you both.
ReplyDeleteThanks for the support and sympathy. It really means a great deal to us.
DeleteI feel that managing emotions is a lesson everyone has to learn one way or another...and not an easy one. We were just able to learn about it before starting down this path and applied it to this journey as well. (In my post about losing my first patient, I left out the part where I went home and cried, woke up the next day and cried, looked up her obituary a week later and cried...well, you get it.)
We're still sending good vibes your way in hope of a good solid heartbeat. We'll be ecstatic right along with you guys. :0)