The journey of two guys ( with one cat & lot of great friends) trying to get through life and expand their family through surrogacy in Thailand.

Tuesday, November 26, 2013

Knowing Vs Not Knowing

Well, over a week has passed, but we’re not quite where we wanted to be. We’re back to the land of uncertainty. I had to wait a few days before writing this, because my initial reaction to the email we received would have shot this blog from a PG rating straight to an R rating. I think the term my mother used was….”mouth of a sailor this one.”

But, after a few laps around my Zen labyrinth (the halls of the hospital,) I am once again reminded that my life is pretty damn good, and I’m in a good place.

So here’s the scoop:

We received an email from our contact at New Life that said at this time the fetal heartbeat could not be detected and the fetal sac is too small. Our next appointment would be in one week.

And that was it.

There was nothing about what the doctor thought about the scan. Nothing about having run HcG levels to help indicate if the pregnancy was still viable. Nothing.

I guess the funny thing is: even if there was a HcG test, and even if we had a personal note from the doctor outlining his thoughts, it wouldn’t change the outcome of the pregnancy. It’s like waiting for the train. You keep looking at the scrolling marquee that announces the time of the next train; and if the marquee is broken or non-existent, then you begin to lean over and look down the train tracks to try to figure out when the train will arrive. The fact of the matter is the train will arrive when it arrives. Watching the little marquee doesn’t make the train come any faster or change when it will arrive. And our reality is that the pregnancy will remain viable, or it won't. Nothing we can do can change that. But there is a comfort in knowing; Or at least feeling like you know.

And right now, I long for that feeling of knowing, because not knowing simply sucks.

(This is perhaps another really difficult part about international surrogacy. We would have really wanted to be there during the scan to ask the doctor a million and one questions…but alas, that’s just not an option here. )

Fortunately, our contact was happy to elaborate on the scan. But we didn’t get the answer we wanted: “of course your pregnancy is still viable, and the fetus is happy. Actually, if you look really closely at the ultrasound image, you can see balloons and a tiny party hat on the fetus. It’s having a ball in there.”

Instead, we got a realistic view of the situation. Not detecting a heartbeat at 6 weeks is not a good sign. But it’s not time to give up yet. A fetal pole was visible, and measured about the right size for this point in development. We won’t know anything for certain until next week.


So, this Thanksgiving, we’ll be thankful that we even reached this point. We’ll be thankful that we still have hope. We’ll be thankful knowing that we’ve gotten to this point once, and if need be, we’ll get there again. And we’ll be thankful that we have a taste of what it would feel like to have our dreams come true…and that’s worth fighting for. 

7 comments:

  1. Please don't worry guys, HB doesn't always show up at 6 weeks, I've seen many scans over the years, even seen a second or third baby show up at 10 weeks with HB. Start worrying at 8 weeks, but also ask for another hog test to make sure it's rising, if it is that will allay your fears. Hang in there, this is a journey full of uncertainty, fear and stress. A Potty mouth is appropriate :))

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  2. Really sorry to hear about the emotional rollercoaster. Let's hope it's still too early. Our clinic doesn't do ultrasounds until 7 weeks to detect a heartbeat. Hopefully in another week you will have detected the party hat on your beautiful fetus! Best wishes.

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  3. I liked your train analogy. Things are happening independently outside of our sphere of control, cognizance, and sometimes even comprehension. One of the hardest things in surrogacy is the loss of control and lack of information. Especially for control freaks like myself. Travis will tell you that I redirected that frustration to our lives back at home! I did irrational things like heed superstitions in an effort to not "tempt fate." You will deal with this process in your own way, and hopefully better than I did! In the meantime, harboring hope and gratitude are amazing for the spirit. Best wishes for good news next week!

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  4. Guys, I know it sucks not knowing what is waiting for you in front. Trust me, I know, even with my own pregnancy which was complicated with a cardiac baby inside and ended badly with no warning sign whatsoever (yes with weekly ultrasounds, no one noticed my placenta was eating up my uterus)! Even I asked tons of questions and I was a health science pre-med candidate, I was followed by the best fetus cardiologist, the chief gyno of a world-class hospital, I had no clue what was in front of me. My advice is just be prepared mentally, manage your expectations, be optimistic and ride the wave. Sending you guys loads of positive vibes!

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  5. I'm keeping my fingers and toes crossed that the next test results will be much happier for you both!!

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  6. Hang in there Justin. Happy Thanksgiving and wishing you a good news (heart beat) soon. Crossing my fingers. xoxo

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