Righty Vs Lefty

I’ve been a little terrified to write this post. I’m not sure why exactly.

Maybe it was because last time Frankie and I announced wonderful news, we ended up really let down.

Maybe it was because I thought I might end up jinxing us.

Maybe it was because I was afraid of Willow attacking me if she read it.

This concern isn't without precedent. Willow has met one baby so far. She proceeded to circle said baby keeping at least 5 feet between her and the terrifying non-mobile infant. At one point, the baby farted, Willow jumped and puffed up… and the mandatory distance became around 7 feet. I can only imagine what she will do when there is a permanent baby in our house. Let alone two babies.

Indeed….we’ve now had two ultrasounds, and both have shown the same results. Two little heartbeats.

The first scan was a little concerning, as one little heartbeat was only going at 76 bpm, which is pretty slow. But that same little nugget had a heartbeat of 126 bpm on the last scan, so we’re feeling much better about that.

We started by referring to them as nugget 1 and nugget 2…but then Frankie became concerned that it might make one fetus feel inferior to the other. I suggested nugget Alpha and nugget Omega because I figured that the end of the alphabet is just as important as the beginning of the alphabet….but Frankie saw things differently.

So we’ve now taken to referring to the little sacs of fetal joy as “Righty” and “Lefty”.

Righty is appropriately situated on the right of its sibling, has a heartbeat of 126 bpm, and a CRL of .69cm. Lefty is doing well so far with a heartbeat of 138 bpm and a CRL of .62cm.

We know we’re nowhere close to being out of the woods….but as we look around this time, the woods are beautiful. We may as well enjoy our time here as much as possible. 

287 Vs 6,221

We just got the official results of our second Beta HcG test.

Our transfer was on March 27.

The first Beta test was run on April 5, and the result was 287 mIU/ml.

Our second test was taken on April 11, and the result was 6,221 mIU/ml.

We actually got news that the pregnancy was still viable on Friday, but because All IVF is so backed up, we had to wait until today to get the numbers. But it was worth the wait. We had to check it a few times to make sure our eyes weren’t playing tricks on us. That gives us a doubling rate of about 33 hours. We couldn’t be happier right now. Our neighbors can attest to that since I’m sure they felt the small earthquake created by Frankie frantically jumping up and down. (That man brings so much light and love into this house, it even amazes me sometimes…)

For those keeping track, the results from the last pregnancy were 119.8 mIU/ml for the first test and 1,793 mIU/ml for the second test. So while there are still no guarantees at this point in our journey, we’re definitely feeling very good about the new numbers and how things are progressing so far.

Now we just have one more week of crossing our fingers tightly until we might have the chance to confirm that little heartbeat. We know that not even the heartbeat is a guarantee…but to make it to that point would make us happier than words could describe.

In other news…we were supposed to get the keys to our new house last Friday. Instead, we found out that the seller wasn’t exactly being upfront about how much she owed on her mortgage and the house was actually a short sale…that the bank hadn’t approved! So, she was in breech of contract and the deal fell through. Definitely not how we wanted that story to end.

But getting this news makes that headache seem inconsequential. We could have made it a great house…but if we’re successful in this journey it doesn’t really matter. We’ll make anywhere we live an amazing home. 

Positive Vs Negative (Take II)

We waited up until about 2am last night hoping that we would get the email we had been waiting for before we went to bed. Instead the email came at 3:30am and Frankie and I were instantly awake at the sound of my phone going off. I set the ring tone to the “good news” jingle in the hopes that it would give the universe a cue. The universe did not disappoint. The email read:

“Congratulations! Your pregnancy test is positive!!

We will retest in one week.”

It was the best wakeup call we could hope for. We looked at the attached report and the serum HCG was 287.80. We couldn’t be happier. Up until this point, we’ve been chanting: “stick little embryo, stick!”, now our cheers turn to “grow little embryo, grow”.

We learned after our last attempt that managing our expectations is paramount. We’ve been here before, and things ended all too painfully. So, one week down, and just a few short weeks until we hear that little heart beating. Once that’s confirmed, we’ll be popping out the champagne.

Our fingers are optimistically crossed. 

Joy Vs Pain

The American philosopher and author Joseph Campbell once said: 

“Find a place inside where there’s joy, and the joy will burn out the pain.”

Frankie and I are currently seeking out the joy in our lives.

This past weekend we got an email from New Life letting us know that although the fetal sac was visible, there was no visible fetus, and thus no detectible heartbeat. They have taken the surrogate off of medication, and expect that the lining and sac will be discharged.  (I have many thoughts on this that will come in a later post. Our poor surrogate… L )

It was a tough email to receive, but as you may guess after my last post, in a way it was a relief. At least now we know.

Naturally, we’re very saddened by this news. But it’s not end game for us. Not by a long shot. While I totally understand why some celebrate the beta tests and the early pregnancy indicators, we never fully celebrated those moments. We found great joy in them, but we didn’t celebrate. Each IP has to view this process through their own lens, and we knew that through our medical lenses, the pregnancy wasn’t viable to us until we had a heartbeat. While I know that some people don’t agree or understand why we didn’t enjoy the emotions more, we restrained our emotions for this very reason. Our hearts were protected…to some extent at least. There were still some tears….and some cherry pie from Thanksgiving that disappeared a little too quickly…but overall we’re doing ok. It’s a process that won’t happen overnight, but we know we’ll be alright, and we’ll come through stronger.

Fortunately, there is no lack of joy in our lives, so the residual pain doesn’t stand a chance. Before we got married, we talked a lot about our future together. We both knew that we wanted children, but we also both knew that we wanted to be in a relationship that didn’t need children to be complete. We’re already complete and although we both want kids more than anything in this world, we don’t need anything more to fill our lives together. Any children we have would just be the icing on an already wonderful cake. The joy we bring each other is enough to burn out any pain we’re faced with in our lives, and it gives us the confidence to know that any children we are fortunate enough to have will only add to the love we have in our house; not be born to fill a gap in our lives. And that feels wonderful. It means we can be patient. It means we can be happy that we got so far the first time. And it means we have the strength to try again.  

Joseph Campbell also once said: 

“Follow your bliss, and the universe will open doors where there were only walls.”

That said, we’re ready to knock down some walls…. 

Knowing Vs Not Knowing

Well, over a week has passed, but we’re not quite where we wanted to be. We’re back to the land of uncertainty. I had to wait a few days before writing this, because my initial reaction to the email we received would have shot this blog from a PG rating straight to an R rating. I think the term my mother used was….”mouth of a sailor this one.”

But, after a few laps around my Zen labyrinth (the halls of the hospital,) I am once again reminded that my life is pretty damn good, and I’m in a good place.

So here’s the scoop:

We received an email from our contact at New Life that said at this time the fetal heartbeat could not be detected and the fetal sac is too small. Our next appointment would be in one week.

And that was it.

There was nothing about what the doctor thought about the scan. Nothing about having run HcG levels to help indicate if the pregnancy was still viable. Nothing.

I guess the funny thing is: even if there was a HcG test, and even if we had a personal note from the doctor outlining his thoughts, it wouldn’t change the outcome of the pregnancy. It’s like waiting for the train. You keep looking at the scrolling marquee that announces the time of the next train; and if the marquee is broken or non-existent, then you begin to lean over and look down the train tracks to try to figure out when the train will arrive. The fact of the matter is the train will arrive when it arrives. Watching the little marquee doesn’t make the train come any faster or change when it will arrive. And our reality is that the pregnancy will remain viable, or it won't. Nothing we can do can change that. But there is a comfort in knowing; Or at least feeling like you know.

And right now, I long for that feeling of knowing, because not knowing simply sucks.

(This is perhaps another really difficult part about international surrogacy. We would have really wanted to be there during the scan to ask the doctor a million and one questions…but alas, that’s just not an option here. )

Fortunately, our contact was happy to elaborate on the scan. But we didn’t get the answer we wanted: “of course your pregnancy is still viable, and the fetus is happy. Actually, if you look really closely at the ultrasound image, you can see balloons and a tiny party hat on the fetus. It’s having a ball in there.”

Instead, we got a realistic view of the situation. Not detecting a heartbeat at 6 weeks is not a good sign. But it’s not time to give up yet. A fetal pole was visible, and measured about the right size for this point in development. We won’t know anything for certain until next week.

So, this Thanksgiving, we’ll be thankful that we even reached this point. We’ll be thankful that we still have hope. We’ll be thankful knowing that we’ve gotten to this point once, and if need be, we’ll get there again. And we’ll be thankful that we have a taste of what it would feel like to have our dreams come true…and that’s worth fighting for. 

Presumptive Vs Probable Vs Positive

In the world of Obstetrics, there are three stages of pregnancy confirmation: presumptive, probable, and positive. Believe it or not, a "pregnancy test" as we know it is not a positive (or conclusive) test; it only gives you a probable result. Here are some examples of the signs of pregnancy confirmation, and what other factors might be causing them:

Presumptive signs of pregnancy

·         Missed period  - Sorry, but if you’re 60 and you missed your period….probably not pregnant

·         Nausea / vomiting - Really? You thought eating sushi from the gas station was a good idea?

·         Weight gain – Are you American? Enough said. (But sadly…we’ve finally been dethroned of having the honor of fattest country in the world! Thanks a lot Mexico…)

·         Fatigue – Bad news, you’re not pregnant….more bad news, you have Lupus…

·         Breast Tenderness – You got a little out of control after reading 50 shades of grey…baby steps.

·         Quickening (A “flutter” of movement…when mom says, “I think I just felt the baby move!”) – Please refer back to gas station sushi. This can be gas or peristalsis.

Probable signs of pregnancy

• Hegar's sign (softening of lower uterus), Goodell’s sign (softening of cervical tip), or Chadwick’s sign (vaginal mucosa turns violet-blueish) – I hope you aren’t basing your results after any of these, because they require palpation and some spelunking! So probably not things you would want to do at home. However, if you are, all of these things can be caused by pelvic congestion. 
• Ballottment (By far my favorite!! This is when the examiner places a finger within the vagina, taps gently upward against the cervix, and leaves their finger there. This causes the free floating fetus to rise, only for gravity to make it sink back down, and the examiner feels a light tap on her/his finger….how cool is that?! It's not really used any more, but still very cool.) – Not sure what else could cause this. My nursing textbook claims it could be cervical polyps…but I’m thinking maybe a marble got up there somehow? 
• Braxton-hicks contractions – Sadly, these can be caused by a tumor. 
• Urine pregnancy test – The at home classic! The problem is, a pregnancy isn’t the only thing that can cause a positive. Pelvic infections, tumors, and simple user error can lead to false positives.
• Serum pregnancy test – This is the one we in the surrogacy world all depend on! We get our Beta HcG levels, we compare how they change, and if they rise appropriately, surely we know we have a baby on the way, right? Nope. A molar pregnancy (caused by a hydatidiform mole, or a large mass, growing in the uterus) can also be the culprit. Also, a non-viable pregnancy can also cause these levels to rise. 

And this is where we are currently in our journey. We’ve gotten the coveted positive on the serum pregnancy test…and we’re over the moon thrilled. Our beta levels showed significant rise going from 120 on the first test, to 1793 on the second test that was taken just less than a week after the first. This means that the levels are doubling in less than 48 hours, and that seems to be highly desirable. The likelihood of anything but a viable pregnancy causing the beta levels to rise like that is really very low, and that feels amazing.

 But, we’re not letting our guard down just yet. It’s not until we get to the third stage of pregnancy confirmation that we’ll be able to relax knowing without a doubt that we have a viable pregnancy. And that third stage comes within the next week. For us, it will be an ultrasound to detect the heartbeat. Nothing else in this beautiful world can mimic that little flutter of a heartbeat within the womb, and so it is accepted as a Positive sign of pregnancy. Here are the other methods of solidly confirming a pregnancy:

Positive signs of pregnancy  (The only ways to be 100% certain that you have a pregnancy and nothing else could possibly be causing a positive.)

• Ultrasound to visualize fetus in real time or detect fetal heart tones.
• Doppler to detect fetal heartbeat.
• Fetal movements palpated by nurse, nurse midwife, midwife, PA, or physician (Interestingly, movements felt by the mother don’t count. It sounds crazy, but one of the last case studies we had involved a woman with a psychosomatic pregnancy, or a pregnancy manifested only in her mind, right down to distended belly and her claims of feeling fetal movement. Very interesting stuff.)
• Fetal movements visible through the abdomen (Not even the dreaded gas station sushi could do that!)

By this time next week, we should hopefully have a positive confirmation of our pregnancy. It’s amazing how much your life can change in one short week.

Here’s hoping for the best.